Blessed Are the Pure in Heart

I was referred to a section of Philip Yancey's book "The Jesus I Never Knew".  It goes like this:

Blessed are the pure in heart.  During a period of my life when I was battling sexual temptation, I came across an article that referred me to a thin book, What I believe, by a French Catholic writer Francois Mauriac.  It surprised me that Mauriac, an old man, devoted considerable space to a discussion of his own lust.  He explained, "Old age risks being a period of redoubled testing because the imagination of an old man is substituted in a horrible way for what nature refuses him."

I knew that Mauriac understood lust.  Viper's Tangle and A Kiss for the Leper, novels which helped win him the Nobel prize in literature, protray lust, repression, and sexual anger as well as anything I have ever read.  For Mauric, sexual temptation was a familiar battleground. 

Mauriac dismissed most of the arguments in favor of sexual purity that he had been taught in his Catholic upbringing.  "Marriage will cure lust": it did not for Mauriac, as it has not for so many others, because lust involves the attraction of unknown creatures and the taste for adventure and chance meetings.  "With self-discipline you can master lust": Mauriac found that sexual desire is like a tidal wave powerful enough to bear away all the best intentions.  "True fulfillment can only be found in monogamy.  Thus he weighed the traditional arguments for purity and found them wanting.

Mauriac concluded that self-discipline, repression, and rational argument are inadequate weapons to use in fighting the impulse toward impurity.  In the end, he could find only one reason to be pure, and that is what Jesus presented in the Beatitudes:  "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."  In Mauriac's words, "Impurity separates us from God.  The spiritual life obeys laws as verifiable as those of the physical world....Purity is the condition for a higher love - for a possession superior to all possessions: that of God.  Yes, this is what is at stake, and nothing less.

Reading Francois Mauriac's words did not end my struggle with lust.  But I must say beyond all doubt that I have found his analysis to be true.  The love God holds out to us requires that our faculties be cleansed and purified before we can receive a higher love, one attainable in no other way.  That is the motive to stay pure.  By harboring lust, I limit my own intimacy with God.

By harboring lust, I limit my own intimacy with God.  ><

Hmm

Blessed are the pure in heart!  For they shall see God. 

What does it mean to be pure in heart?

What's up with this thing called life?

Why does it have to be so confusing and feel so meaningless sometimes?  If my faith in God was weaker I would probably be pretty depressed.  I mean I used to be pretty depressed for certain phases of my life in the past.  Now it's more of just a lonliness and emptiness.  I also feel like I'm starting to care a little less about things.  I've been struggling lately with just how to connect with God.  It seems like I make progress at this sometimes and then for some reason it also seems like I haven't at all.  I don't really even know what it looks like to have a relationship with God.  Of course I know what the benefits are, but what does it look like?  What does it mean?  How does it work?  HOW DO I DO IT?  When I pray it just feels like I'm talking to myself, but I don't want that to be a reason to quit.  God is probably doing something I just don't understand at all.  Last night though I was praying, just letting God know that I know he's there and I can be patient and I remembered something I had thought of earlier that day or the day before or something.  It was really just a fundamental truth I had come to understand a couple years ago:  Read the word.  Obey it.  Then you will understand.  I'm not really sure what this really means for me right now.  I mean I definitely agree with it being that simple, but even though it is simple it becomes more complex when you mix that formula with a human being.  Plus, what if God is just being quiet in my life right now?  Of course it doesn't hurt to try :)  Also, maybe Satan is trying to bring me down, but I have no idea what that would be like really either.  It's really frustrating trying to figure out what it even means to interact with things not even in the same realm as myself, but at the same time all around me...?  People always say the more they come to understand about God, the more they realize that they don't really understand much.  I definitely agree with that.  I thought it was kind of a cool idea when I first heard it, but now I realize it's kind of frustrating, but maybe I just shouldn't worry about trying to understand so much.  I just have to follow where God is leading me, eh?  I have no idea where that is.  

Some of the things I learned at SICM

Well let's see here...so SICM is pretty crazy in that it is pretty intense. It was a week of solid lecturing, discussion, and various other learning experiences although everything was touched on with much brevity. We have about an inch and a half to two inches of papers we received for the conference and took notes on them during the lectures, but probably 70 or 80% of the paper is just reference material that wasn't even covered. The biggest mistake a SICM graduate could make is not going through their binder at least once after they return home. Everything in there is extremely useful for helping to handle or do different things. You can tell the SICM staff has put a tremendous amount of time and effort into making all of the material for the class.

This was my second time to go to SICM and it was several times more beneficial for me than the first (probably about 100). They created some track two sessions for those of us who had been before so we didn't have to hear all of the same things over again and one of the topics we talked about was Spiritual Warfare. It was an interesting topic and it reminded me of how serious it is to watch out for demonic activity in my life. It's so easy to let Satan slowly take control of your actions if you aren't prepared to fight back. Thinking about this I realized that I had been affected by Satan the last SICM. I know it. Most of the week I felt a little depressed and this feeling grew stronger as the week progressed. By the time we had our "Body Life" session and had a huge worship night, I was just utterly confused and even doubting a lot of things. I was struggling with how my relationship with God didn't really seem existant. I have a note that I wrote to God during Body Life two years ago and I'll share parts of it to show my point:

"God,
Forgive me of everything, please. It kills me that I grieve you and I just keep doing it. Please help me.

Lord, also whatever it is that is messing with my thoughts now, please rid me of it or make it clear to me what it is. If you're trying to say something to me then tell me what it is. I'm way confused."

"...I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I don't feel in touch with anything right now. And it's not that I just don't care of I'm not trying, because you know good and well I care and I do indeed try to figure these things out. But I feel as if I'm the only person in this room that doesn't get it. WHY IS THAT? Why is this such a complicated thing God? I just really need you to show me you love me and not just because someone says you do, but I want to really feel it. I'm here. Take me. I know you're there because I've seen you move through actions I've done, but I feel alone right now and I am much lacking your comfort. Please do something for me."

It's pretty amazing now looking back on that night as I wrote this letter and realizing what was going on there. Apparently God was being silent to teach me. Some of the other track two sessions were over Forgiveness and God's Wrath. In the latter we talked about how God's wrath is really just God's patience. Two years ago I experienced a little bit of that. I wouldn't be surprised if I experienced it again one day. Honestly I had continued to feel like that for a while after I got back from SICM on and off. Oftentimes I have become very excited about doing something to help myself or others grow spiritually, but by the time I get to it I have completely lost the desire to do it. I definitely believe Satan to be behind such a thing. I didn't really start ACTUALLY connecting with God until I started trying to ACTUALLY listen. Listening is one of the things I've learned this past year. Looking back on your life in retrospect to see what you have learned and compare it to what you are currently learning. Looking ahead at different circumstances realizing what might be a good learning experience and expecting to learning something from it rather than being surprised.


Alright so back to things I've learned at SICM. One thing is just a basic principal: study the word and live your life by it. It's strange how such a simple idea becomes so hard to do. Maybe it is because Satan doesn't want us to. Anyway we had a Q&A time near the end of the conference and one of the questions was: "How do you get others excited about evangelism?" Geoff answered with such a simple and obvious answer, it's a wonder I didn't even think of it. All he said was something like show them where Jesus did it, where Jesus told his disciples to do it, and then tell them that since we are his disciples we should probably do it. Now this might not necessarily get someone excited about doing it, but if you are living your life to follow Jesus then I think it would have some power behind it. There is a struggle with getting excited about doing what God wants us to do. The best way I can figure to win that struggle is realize how much God loves us and that our strength is found in the joy he gives us. Even this sounds kind of simplistic and could be completely meaningless to someone, but the way to actually realize God's love for you is to ponder the ways he shows you and dwell on them. It's as simple as that. I told a story the other night at FOCUS about how when I met my host family I immediately clicked with my host dad, because he just got me. He wasn't just like me, but just understood me and could follow where my thoughts went. He could carry on good conversations with me and my random theories and crazy nonsensical ramblings. I really liked talking with him. Then I started thinking about how my dad and I don't really talk together very well and he thinks on a different frequency than I do. I've basically developed my own thought process that is much different than either of my parents, but I still have hints of them in me of course. Anyway after I thought about it a little I decided I would think of the qualities that my dad possessed that made him priceless. It didn't even take me one second. My dad loves me more than any other human being, besides my mom I guess. It's too much love to gauge. This is why I wouldn't trade my dad. It was funny when I had realized this I wrote a note on my hand to journal about it later, because that's what I did when I got an idea randomly. Brandon laughed at me when he read it, because it said "I don't 'click' with my dad, but I wouldn't trade him ever." So anyway I mentioned all of that to say that thinking about things like the love your father has for you, or whatever it may be, is a great way of energizing yourself when you realize that the joy you feel from that comes straight from our beloved God. Throughout my time in Washington I was overflowed with God's joy. I am so energized; so inspired. God's joy makes you humble; makes you a servant; makes you love others. When you find your joy in the Lord you become the person you were designed to be.

Something else I learned was more of a simplistic thing. I pretty much feel like I'm incompetent at any sort of real career worthy skill. I mean I definitely think I'm above average at several things, but they are pretty much things that aren't of any use career-wise. I'm not going to get paid for being better than most people at rock climbing or jumping over trash cans. The thing I realized is that God doesn't care. I know he's going to take care of me, but I still feel incompetent. I don't really feel competent enough to be a spiritual leader either. I just have to trust God that he will work through me. Every once in a while thoughts come to me that make me feel as if I'm wise, so apparently he does. Another thing is that I definitely feel that I have the potential to have a genuinely caring heart and loving attitude toware everyone. The joy that God gives me is powerfully changing me every day so I don't need to necessarily fret about what I'm good at.

At the Body Life session we shared our Psalms that we had written the day before. I really liked that worship experience. Our group really surprised the worship leader by how many people wanted to share their Psalm. It was really cool. We cried as we read our own. Smiled as we heard others read theirs. My favorite part of Body Life is that it is so "free for all" in the way that we worship. We shared Psalms, did various personal worship exercises (such as expressing our feelings toward God in art, nailing your sings on the cross, journaling, and etc), sang songs together, prayed together. We did whatever we wanted! I would like to share my Psalm with you though. Just keep in mind I wrote it all in one go and didn't do any editing so it's pure Matt-thought. Here it be:

"Lord, I want to know you.
I want to know you passionately
And embrace you with intensity.

I have a problem though:
It is hard for me to listen always,
Because I am an imperfect man.

So, I have one thing to ask you, Lord:
Would you help me as only you can
And open my ears and eyes to you?

More than anything, oh, Lord
I want to have nothing more
Than constant communication with you.

For then I could always know your will,
Better enabling me to be obedient
And also give back to you the joy you first gave me."

This was my second one that I felt a little more inspired with. The first one was pretty incohesive.

There were plenty of other things I learned, but I touched on some of the main things I journaled about throughout the week. If you read this whole thing then I just want you to know that I appreciate you and expect you to comment. :)

(By the way this is way too long to proofread so bear with any typos)

Future?

The other night when we watched the invisible children movie God spoke to me. Watching that video reinforced the feeling deep within my heart to go to Africa and do some sort of mission work for a few different reasons. First of all I will tell you about what I had been considering doing a year or two ago. I had decided that I had a heart for people in other countries, namely in Africa, and that I wanted to devote my whole life to helping them, but rather than just materialistically or physically, spiritually mainly. I had kind of thought of living how Paul did in the Bible by being kind of nomadic and establishing communities of believers. Doing this would obviously take a tremendous amount of faith and I probably wouldn't do it unless I had a companion (Ryan). Also this would mean giving up everything I had (which is good and bad) for God. I want to do that, but at the same time I don't want to at all. Basically I ended up talking myself into just wanting to stay in America and be a youth minister or do something with graphic design (video games or websites). Seeing that video reminded me of my heart for Africa and that I think I really do have the courage for doing something that hardcore. The video also was a great example of how just 4 people my age went to another country and are making a difference. Also one main thing reason I used for not wanting to go was because I didn't think I would have the motivation to learn the languages of other people. First of all that's just being lazy and secondly in that movie every single native person spoke English. It was a huge encouragement to me to see that. I still have my doubts, but I'm praying for God to rid me of those doubts and somehow make it clear to me that leaving America is His will for me. The three main things I think of when thinking about this are what I will have to give up: my family/friends, the ability to have a normal family or maybe even a family at all, and my computer. The first two are pretty easy to understand, but for my computer it might not make sense to you. Basically my computer is a part of me. I built it and my last computer. I use it all the time. I've spent more money on it than any other one item I own. Giving up my computer, even in order to give my whole heart to God, is seemingly impossible for me. I love God, but loving my computer too is a huge crutch that I intend to get rid of. (A lot of the rest of this is a rehash of my last post, but it's also got more depth to it. I had already posted this to another blog and I adjusted it a little for this blog) Recently God told me to get rid of my pirated software on my computer. I knew it through the various words I heard from people and read in the Bible throughout a period of 3 or 4 days and I struggled with God the entire time. Eventually when I read the verse about how if you can't be trusted with little then how could you be trusted with much I realized exactly why He wanted me to get rid of it. A few weeks later I heard the story about the woman who put expensive perfume on Jesus' head and the disciples rebuked her and said that they could have sold it and given the money to the poor and Jesus said that the poor they will always have, but they wouldn't always have Him. A friend of mine told me this while we were at lunch one day and his main point was that sometimes we need to give extravagant gifts to God that don't make any sense. A few days later that same friend preached a sermon on it at church and then another friend brought it up in a Bible study I had immediately after church and yet another friend preached about it Sunday night at our large group meeting and, yes there's more, I opened my Bible that night and the chapter I was reading just so happened to have that story in it. I was amazed at how consistent God was in telling me this. Anyway the first time I heard the story from my friend, the idea of giving my projector to a friend of mine (because of how much he seemed to adore it when I told him I was planning on selling it) popped into my head. At first I was like, "No way." I didn't think any big deal of it. Then Sunday came around and by the end of the day, after a lot of thinking I decided that God was asking me to do this for real. Right after the large group meeting I gave it to him and he freaked out. It was really neat. I told him that I expected to see him use it to invite people over and bless other people through it. Then that night was when I read the story again in my Bible and that was when I felt like God was saying to me "Well done, my good and faithful servant." Anyway I say all of that, because I think that the reason God has laid those two things on my heard recently (giving up software piracy and my projector, which by the way I had been planning to sell so that I could afford to upgrade my computer) was not just to make me a better person and more able to serve Him, but in order to prepare me for something bigger. I think that it is to prepare me so that I am strong enough to leave my home and to give up everything I have and know except for Him (EVEN MY COMPUTER!) so that I can do His will. Soooo yeah this is a pretty crazy thing to think about. Especially for someone who is only 20. I just ask you to let me know what you think about this and to pray for me.

(I had another post on that same blog that I want to put on here too):

Ok, so last night I was thinking about something that just amazes me. I'm about two weeks behind in Experiencing God, because I've been slacking recently. The last lesson I did was talking about how making a spiritual inventory of the different experiences with God is a good way of seeing where God is leading you and can help you to see if any new experiences or thoughts are coming from God by seeing if they line up with past experiences. At the end of the study it said to make a inventory list of your experiences and I was tired at the time so I decided I would do it later. Last night when I was thinking about it I realized that my last post consisted of my spiritual inventory for the most part and that I had already used that method in the prior post to see that leaving America is in His plan for me.

God speaks

This past month I've had two big struggles with God. Both of them just came to me while I was in thought and normally I would have just blown it off because I didn't want to believe that God would speak to me through my own thoughts. Instead I waited to see what else He would say to me and then via people's words and scripture I read I was constantly reminded of the thoughts I had.

The first time this happened it was dealing with software piracy and I knew God wanted me to get rid of all of my illegal software. I didn't want to do it of course. I didn't understand why that was necessary. I tried to talk myself out of it, but every time I tried I knew that if I did that I was telling God I didn't have faith in Him. After a few days I saw the scripture about if you can't be trusted with a little than how can you be trusted with much and I took that as the answer to my question of why. I ended up getting rid of it all.

The second time was dealing with the story about the woman pouring the perfume on Jesus' head. I basically heard this story more times than necessary haha. Last Friday Brandon, Chris R, Joseph, and I discussed it during our lunch meeting, Sunday morning Brandon preached on it at church, after lunch on Sunday Brad talked about it during our Bible study with Christian, Sunday night Garrett preached about it at FOCUS, and that night I just happened to read it in my Bible coincidentally. Ever since Friday when Brandon pointed out that sometimes God requires us to give extravagant gifts and that we need to be ready and willing to obey something popped into my mind. I knew of something that I strongly felt God wanted me to give to someone, because when I told them I was going to sell it to help fund upgrading my computer they freaked out and said that I should keep it and they showed me that they basically would really enjoy having something like that. Giving this gift was really tough for me. When I first thought of it I thought it was too crazy to actually be done, so I just ignored it, but the thought lingered. I couldn't get rid of it and every time I reheard that story about the woman giving the gift to Jesus it just reenforced the thought inside of me. Again I felt myself struggling between giving the item and sacrificing something in myself or keeping the item and keeping my heart from God.

It may seem frivolous to most people that it would be so hard to stop pirating software or to not be able to upgrade my computer, but if you know me well I'm sure you somewhat understand. These two things have been huge lessons in materialism for me. I know that God's plan throughout these two things was to make me less dependent on the things of this world and more dependent on Him.

Eigh

Yesterday I was going to go to the movies with Austin, Christa, and Kara and about an hour before we were going to go to the movie I remembered that I was doing an entertainment fast...so I thought about it for a while and ended up calling Austin and canceling and apologizing. He actually apologized for tempting me lol. It's crazy how much I've realized from doing this fast. I honestly just expected to easily not watch movies or play games/do pointless things on my computer and replace it with time spent with God. Although I failed at successfully getting through the week without any of that I still don't feel like I really failed. God taught me the importance of how I spend my time and to think about what I let myself do instead of just doing whatever feels right at the time. The reason I had decided to do this fast after camp was basically so that I could help enforce the fire that I built up while at camp and I don't know if it necessarily helped that (although the Experiencing God study definitely has) but it was not in vain. The reason I even thought of doing the fast in the first place was because I remembered reading it in a book recently or something, but I have no idea what book I read it from because the book I had thought I read it from apparently Brad didn't remember it. It could also just be that Brad is retarded. Anyway I just wanted to give that update and I've decided that today is the last day so I won't do an extra week since it wasn't really for a good reason other than I wanted to make up for screwing up when I went to watch the movie. I might do it again sometime though.

CORE!

This is our Core group. Lernardo and Mike are in the other pictures because Lernard wasn't there and Mike had left before I remembered to take the picture (I stole their pictures from Facebook, muhaha). Starting from the left is Sean, Mahesh, myself, Steven, Eric, and Robby. In the back, on the couch, from the left is Blake and Christian. (Click on pictures for a larger view).

The first Core we had this semester we had an encouragement time where each person shared a strength and weakness for everyone. We got through three people and are going to continue it the next time we meet. This past week when we met we were going to go to Alena's birthday party so that people wouldn't have to miss out on that because of Core so when it got canceled we just hung out at Eric and Robby's apartment instead. Steven and I are really excited about this semester though because for the first time we actually planned out what we were going to do for the first 8 weeks and put much more effort into it. Basically we finally started being responsible for our group and were purposeful. Whenever we finish the encouragements we will start talking about purity and sexuality, then prayer, planning/being purposeful, and service. We also split the group up into pairs so that we can do hw assignments with a partner which Steven and I thought would help people to be more accountable with what we asked them to do outside of Core. The main focus we had in planning this semesters meetings was that we didn't want to do just a Bible study like last semester where we just had discussions every week and only saw each other once or twice a week if people went to FOCUS on Sunday night. What we wanted was to create a better sense of community and make it to where we had more interaction between everyone and did more action, than just discussion. So during and outside of Core we will try and have some sort of way we can implement the lessons or something.

That's all I can really think about for now. I kind of lost my train of thought too, because Matt's music distracted me and I started tapping to the beat on my keyboard so there's a chance I put up a follow up post, but I think I said everything I wanted to.

Oh, I hung out with Chris Byler the other night and he said he wanted to come to Core. We are going to go rock climbing tomorrow. I'm really excited about Chris, because when he is motivated to do something he does it. I've seen it in many of the things he's accomplished. He can do great things if he can focus his efforts toward God's will. That's something I'd really like to see in the future. All prayer about this will be much appreciated :)

Anyway, these are the things that are happening in Steven's and my Core.

Fast Update

Tonight I went to see a movie with Daniel and I didn't realize what I had done until I got a text from Brad asking why I went to see a movie. It really upset me at first, that I had failed to get through just one week without entertaining myself, but after a little thinking I realized that there were some things to be learned from my failure. First of all that I take a lot of things for granted, even more than I thought. It's sad that I can go see a movie and not even realize that it falls into the category of entertainment. I was even talking about going to see the movie with Ryan and he didn't even think of it either. Also Matt and I have been constantly asking each other whether certain things count as entertainment or not like Facebook and AIM, which I think do, at least for me. Obviously anything to be done on a computer isn't a necessity and I wish I could just not turn my computer on for the whole period, but I have too many classes that require me to be active in online groups or check my email or blog, etc. It seems as though electronics can effect me in a similar way as peer pressure does. I really want to break free from thinking that I need to be at my computer so much or I need to go see a certain new movie. Anyway I've decided that I'm going to extend the end date of the fast an extra week so it will be a little less than two weeks.

Also I'm going to try and get stuff about Steven and I's CORE up here this weekend if not sooner.

I've been thinking about doing an entertainment fast (basically no computer, besides email, or video games) for a week after we get back from camp and I figured I should say that in my blog so now I can't back out of it. I asked Matt G and he said he would join me in the effort. I hope to learn something from this experience and I will be able to spend much more time with God and getting my hw done ahead of time so that I can spend time with other people more.

I've been thinking a lot lately how I can try and positively influence other people, because I don't think I have been doing that to the fullest extent that I could be doing it and I'm not really sure, but I think that I might have a nose for knowing what people, maybe not all, need or want or what makes them smile or whatever. So that's been my goal or what I want to think about working on. This made me think about calling my Dad because I know he loves to hear from me and I don't really call my parents much so I wanted to do that. I actually just now got off the phone with him and we talked for a whole hour. We both are the type of people who don't like to hang up and so we say we have to go do something and then the next thing you know we've started a whole new conversation and so it lasts forever, but it makes us laugh. Anyway I don't know why it's been so hard for me to work towards being affectionate toward my family, but it has. When I look back at how much I've grown in that area it makes me very glad that I can finally give something more back to my parents.

Anyway something else I was thinking about was just how important time is; how it's a currency that we spend and we use it to show people how much we value them. Jesus spent all of his time with other people blessing them with wisdom and whatnot. So this is something else I want to work on and it supplements my first thought since it's a great way of influencing people, hopefully positively :)

One other thing in helping to do this is to have an increasingly better ability to be positive which is what I want to strive toward.